One thing that makes our community unique is the intimacy of our living situation along with the presence of 4 very young children. Our house has lots of nice bedrooms, but not a lot of shared space. In spite of this, most of us spend a considerable amount of time in our cozy communal areas.
Here are some tips that have contributed to our functionality as a family within these tight quarters.
Figure Out What Works:
Our kids, en masse, can be a formidable force. But we’ve developed some tactics for dealing with that. When it gets so bad that you can’t even discern one kid from another… when the world just feels like a psychedelic chunky mist of couch cushions, screeches, and thumping djembes… all encapsulated in the omnipresent top note of the My Little Pony theme song… it’s time for SEPARATION.
Sometimes we do this by gender: Boys upstairs, girls downstairs. Sometimes we do it by family: Gillespies go up, BruFeathers stay down. If it’s really bad, we put each kid in a different room. Generally a separation of about 15 minutes will do the trick.
Housemates Must Set Their Own Boundaries:
One of my biggest challenges as a parent in community has been to trust my housemates to set their own boundaries. For the first year that my kids were autonomous enough to scamper about, following housemates and begging for attention… I scrambled along after them asking, “Is this too much? Do you want me to take him? PLEASE tell me if he’s getting on your nerves!”
That was not sustainable for me. Letting housemates play with my kids had become even harder than keeping them too myself because I was so paranoid that someone might be “annoyed”.
Now I tell housemates, during the interview process, that I expect them to set their own, clear boundaries. If they play with my kids, I will assume it’s by choice. If they need my help or intervention, I'm more than happy to take over... but they have to ask.
Now when folks play with my kids, I can accept it as a break. I can go make my bed, or unload the dishwasher, or even take a shower.
Discover Your Playtime Specialty:
Most people who live in this house have a playtime “specialty.” The kids learn what each adult, as an individual, is interested in.
If I was expected to wrestle, I would probably never play. The kids come to me when they want to hear a story or bake cookies. They go to Andrew when they want to play Legos or Chess. If they want to make a smoothie, they ask Lali, while Benjah is good for a puppet show or a dance party. Jonnie likes to play ball, Noah and Jordan will paint or draw with them, Jeremy wrestles, Kate does workbooks, and Aaron likes to detonate rockets and volcanos with baking soda and vinegar. We all have our thing.
The kids have learned that when they approach someone with, “will you play with me?” They'll probably be met with, "I can't. I’m really busy right now.” But if they ask me, specifically, to read them a story… or if they ask Aaron to shoot off a rocket, they are more likely to hear, “OK, I’ll do that for a little while.”
It feels good when the kids know what we like. It reminds us that we aren’t just drones of their entertainment. Instead we are nurturing a valuable bond. This makes playtime far more gratifying.
Close Relationships Help with Discipline:
The primary methods of discipline in this household are “time-outs” and “natural consequences.”
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Along side those points, I think we’re also
just very blessed to live in a household where folks feel grateful to teach and
inspire the next generation. I know that living at the Heart and Spoon,
especially for people in their 20’s, probably involves far more responsibility
and commitment than many other communal-living options in this town… that’s why
I’m eternally grateful for all the “aunts” and “uncles” who have chosen to do
this family thing with us. I’m sure the karma fairies are smiling upon
you.